TRUST THE PROCESS

As a creative I’ve heard the advice to “trust the process” many a times from countless sources. Artists I looked up to, professors, mentors, and peers alike, all made a point out of constantly reminding me, and perhaps themselves, of this short but all inclusive piece of wisdom. 

However, while I mindlessly repeated it back to myself in plenty moments of self-doubt during my early years in University as a design and film student, it never really sunk in till I was sitting across from the only mentor of mine whose opinion I valued so much so that I was intimidated each time I was in his presence, Professor Jack Swanstrom. This time was no different, in fact, I was especially fearful as I had just showed him a film that I then believed was utterly disposable because I failed to give it the time I believed it needed. 

During the several weeks I was given to complete this particular film, I had been paralyzed with self-doubt, perfectionism, and fear of failure. I had so many ideas and constantly sought any and all inspiration I could possibly take in, yet I achieved nothing for so long. Too long that I had given up on my vision for the film entirely and thanks to an impressive case of mental gymnastics, I was already planning my shameful exit from an industry I wasn’t even a part of. 

I had nothing to lose at this point because in my mind, I had already failed. This is when my pride kicked in, or so I’d like to believe.

A few days before my deadline I had written a completely new script that I planned on shooting over the weekend. I was no longer desperate to impress, I was instead desperate to create. Create anything just so I don’t show up with nothing, so I made sure to write something I knew I could accomplish with resources I already had. 

That led me to writing about a subject I had the most expertise on; myself. I had backed myself into a corner where I was forced to improvise. I was the writer, director, actor (yikes), producer, and editor. I rushed to finish it in time. It was too short, filled with mistakes, and simply unfinished. It was not to be seen anywhere outside the four walls of Professor Jack’s office. 

We sat in what seemed like an eternity of silence after he was done watching it, and while I expected the worst, I was surprised to find out that he liked it. He saw through the mistakes, he saw through the rush, he saw through everything I was praying for him to miss, but he still liked it. If you knew Professor Jack you’d know how little he held back. My surprise was not only because my expectations were so low, my surprise was that I had finally managed to impress someone I’d been bending over backwards to impress with…THIS?!

Recognizing my disbelief, he explained with reassurance that he could tell this wasn’t what I had in mind and yes I had to rush to make it, but as far as he was concerned, it was finished as is because it was honest and it was true to what I knew. Then casually adding “Hey, if that’s your process, then that’s your process. Trust it.” 

It finally clicked, my aha moment came from the simple replacement of “The” with “Your”.

Your process, your voice, your truth. Trust it. 

I understood then that there was no right or wrong when it comes to the creative process, but more what is and isn’t right for you. It was my job to figure out what that was for me. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t figured out everything I need to about my own process, but I know now that I get to reimagine it and alter it as many times as I need to, as long as I stay true to what is within that moment. 

I now look back on that film with great fondness, not because I am now magically convinced that it’s a great project, but simply because it’s my own reminder to keep trusting my process. I made it desperately and honestly and now it serves as a base for what matters to me; telling stories as sincerely as I can and trusting that my voice is louder than my shortcomings and mistakes. A statement I found to be true for not only my creative process but even more so my day to day approach to life. 

I share this story with you today because now more than ever, as we navigate through the pains of a global pandemic, collapsing economies, political unrest, division, and countless losses, I find it incredibly important to trust in one’s process.

We’ve never been here before, we’ve never dealt with anything like this before, and we’ve been reintroduced to a whole new meaning of being overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with fear, uncertainty, and grief, yet still need to find enough courage within us to make the most of this trying time. 

I am here to remind you to use what you have and to improvise accordingly. I am here to remind you that you alone have the power to pull your own voice out of you. I am here to remind you that you are louder, stronger, and so much better than your shortcomings and mistakes. All you need to do is figure out what is true to you and move forward with trust in the process. 

Isn’t that what faith is all about?

Notes:

We lost Professor Jack Swanstrom in March of 2015. He was a great educator, mentor, and friend to his students. He taught me how to write a script, make a film, and say exactly what’s on my mind regardless of who it pisses off. He still inspires me to this day. RIP.

The film, Belonging, was submitted to the Abu Dhabi Film Festival by Professor Jack Swanstrom and it got me my first ever theater screening, cash prize, and award win.